I have been a parent for over 11 years. If I recall correctly, you have to do something for like 10,000 hours to be an expert. Which means, I've got this. I have excellent expert parenting skillz. So for those of you newbies or without children, take some notes because it doesn't get better than this.
Names.
I am sorry. Did we decide to give the kids
separate names? Well, that was
clearly a mistake. Giving them their own individual names sets them up for the false expectation that we will be able to remember and call them by their name. Ha! Half the time we say "Ben" we mean "Isaac", which Ben finds a little insulting when we say things like "Ben only likes mushy vegetables" and "Ben is really cranky and needs a nap". And if I have to talk to two of them at the same time? Fuhgedaboudit. I go through about 15-20 permutations before I hit the right combination. I think numbering them may have been the better choice.
Empty Threats.
There is a trick to crafting a truly excellent empty threat. Clearly, you won't follow through with it. But, in the child's mind there needs to be something like a 1% chance that if the planets are correctly aligned and you (the parent) are in the crazy place, you might. This has been necessary because the birth of our 4th child occurred 6 years after the other 3. Because Isaac will be for many, many years in a completely different place than his brothers, we are going to have some problems. I know this because we have some problems now.
Problem: the older boys keep putting their feet on Isaac's toys. You know, the ones he is
constantly putting in his mouth. Ew. But they can't stop. Whenever I look over at one of them, they are are rubbing their feet on a teething toy or the play house or something. Ew. Ew. Ew.
Empty threat: if you keep putting your feet on Isaac's toys which he puts in his mouth, I will start rubbing my feet on your plates and utensils. How does that sound? I'd say that one has been about 50% effective. Not bad since I don't really plan on following through.
Christmas.
The kids start asking for things for Christmas about 0.0000001 seconds after the last Christmas ended. And it is a stream of consciousness kind of thing. Whatever is in front of their eyeballs or in their hands is what comes out of their mouth in "Can you get me _________ for Christmas?" Yes, the spirit of Christmas receiving is strong in our household. I diffuse this with paper and pencil. Write down your list, I tell them, so I can remember. Sadly, I don't have a good home filing system, so the list gets lost about as quickly as the child moves on to the next toy obsession. But, I haven't said no or crushed their transient dreams, so win-win.
Bribes.
I vowed I would never bribe my children. Then I had some (children, not bribes). And then I realized that a good bribe is to a child what the prestige is to a magic trick. You've got to make it good or the whole thing falls flat. I learned early on that food is a great bribe. I learned this mainly from the fact that everyone on planet earth was giving my kids food for good behavior. There was a period of time when my kids would do anything for a little bag of fruit snacks, because I rarely gave them any. Then they went to school and started coming home with entire bags of jolly ranchers (extreme example, but no lie Josh came home with an entire bag of jolly ranchers once) and lots of other candy. And that is how food was ruined as a bribe for my kids. So now we have moved on to gum. We don't have it all the time and they go through it quickly, so as a scarce but desired commodity, it is an excellent bribe. And while the schools don't seem to have any problem sugaring up the kids, they seem (so far) reluctant to have hundreds of gum chewing (and then possibly spitting or dropping or randomly sticking it places) kids.
Yeah, I totally got this.