The Problem With Girls

We, clearly, only have boys.  Crazy, wild boys.  But on the craziest, wildest days my mantra is "They will never be teenage girls."  It helps me get through the destruction and mayhem. 

Which isn't to say that I don't know some incredible teenage girls.  Because I do.  But the parenting issues of any age girl just seem so overwhelming and unbelievably complex that it makes me grateful that most of our issues have to do with preventing injury and harm to the house and my boys (at which I am not always 100% successful). 

As far as I can tell, some of the big issues I most likely won't have to address are:

1.  Clothes.  Even if my boys start to care about what they wear (other than Ben's need to wear knee-high socks, black church shoes and a tie with every outfit), we won't have as many modesty issues.  Friends who have even young girls have told me how difficult it is to find appropriate clothing for a 5-year-old.  I can only guess the struggles at 16 will be much worse.  Not to mention that most 16-year-olds have a much stronger opinion about what clothes they want to wear and buy ($$$$). 
Boys:  t-shirts, polos, jeans, khakis.  Done.

2.  Bathing suits.  A corollary to the clothes issue, but a big issue all by itself.  I have seen little girls in skimpy swimsuits that just aren't appropriate and older girls in skimpy swimsuits that just aren't flattering and it is just sad.  Even a healthy, growing girl can look chunky in a cut-out swim suit.  And sexy just isn't cute on a small kid.
Boys:  swim trunks.  Done.

3.  Dolls.  Some dolls are fun.  And I even played with Barbies growing up (as did Rachel - anyone shocked?).  But some of the dolls out there are scary.  Like the Bratz dolls.  Several years ago, we were visiting family for Christmas and my younger (much younger) cousin received a bunch of Bratz dolls for Christmas.  Her grandmother said, "That doll looks like a streetwalker!"  To which my cousin replied, "Mama, what's a streetwalker?"  Which was pretty funny at the time, but I do think some of those dolls are inappropriate. 
Boys:  Legos, balls, lightsabers.  I guess one could be concerned about toy weapons, but my experience is that they turn any toy to a weapon so the key is teaching them appropriate use of them. 

4.  Movies.  I love Disney movies.  But as a parent I have come to question and consider more deeply the messages they teach.  Lots of the more "boy" movies are pretty good.  Sword in the Stone - keep working, learning and even an ordinary boy can be special.  Robin Hood - protect the weak (okay the stealing part isn't great).  Pinocchio/Lion King - tell the truth, your family will love you no matter what.  Aladdin - in the end, lying never pays off.  Cars - friendship is more important than fame. 

But the more "girl" ones?   The Little Mermaid - lying to daddy is okay because he will give you what you want in the end.  Snow White - being the maid to 7 men will pay off someday.  Sleeping Beauty - if you are really pretty, you can take a long nap and your prince will come get you.  Ouch.

Which isn't to say that I don't like the "girl" Disney movies or that both girls and boys can't watch all of these movies.  And then there are movies like Mulan that break the mold and I love that movie.  I just would worry a lot about the messages being sent to a girl through the movies targeted at her.  As it is, I worry about the messages about girls that are being sent to my boys as well.



Long story short (too late!), I just have to hand it to you parents of girls because it has got to be tough raising a girl.  In the meantime, we are just going to try to keep our boys from permanently maiming each other and to respect women.  Some days I think we have it easy.

Backfire, Part Deux

Example 2:  TV
Last year, I wrote a blog post about the pirate coins that the boys had to earn for TV time.  Eventually, the coins fell into disuse.  (Consistency never was my strong point.)  We decided to reinstate the program this summer to cut down on the kids' TV time.

The kids weren't the only ones to blame.  With the crazy heat (110+ degrees - YIKES) and all three kids home all the time, I was relying on "telenanny" a little too much.  Consequently, we had a Family Home Evening night when we sat down with the boys and made a list of tasks/chores they had to complete to earn a coin worth 5 minutes of TV/Wii time.  They had some good ideas to add like eating a new food for a coin (which has actually happened a couple of times) and helping make dinner (none so far).

So on top of our TV sit three glass jars (because Ben had to have one TOO!) for pirate coins.  It started out really well.  Since getting dressed/making their beds/brushing teeth and cleaning the basement (it has never been so clean so many times a day) earn the boys coins, they started earning coins quickly.  It seemed to be working beautifully.  Chores were getting done with no whining and the boys were earning enough coins to watch a little bit of TV everyday.

Then it all fell apart.  Somehow the boys turned it into a competition.

My boys?  In a competition?  Shocking, I know.

Instead of using their coins to watch a limited amount of TV everyday, they started competing with each other to earn the MOST coins.  Which meant that the boys weren't watching ANY TV AT ALL.

This is what I like to call worst case scenario.  The thing is, although I needed them to watch less TV, I do still need them to watch TV.

No nominations for Mom of the Year, I know.

But telenanny does such a great job watching the kids when I make dinner or when the weather is miserable or when they need to wind down.

Sometimes I just need them to sit down, be quiet and look at the box. 

So now we go days without the boys watching any TV and I couldn't be more confused as to how this all went wrong.

Backfire, Part One

Every once in a while my best plans backfire.

Okay, I'll be honest:  Daily, the hodgepodge of decisions that I call "parenting", cause me distress in ways I did not predict.

Example 1:  UNO
We often play UNO with the boys.  It is a decently easy game and they seem to enjoy it.  Sadly, it isn't always the shortest of games.  Sometimes we have to hide the cards to have an excuse not to get drawn into a 30-minute game.  Because, playing UNO with the boys is like this:

Josh:  Doable. He really isn't the best winner or loser and his running commentary can be very aggravating.  But he grasps all the rules and plays well.
Michael: Slightly painful.  He grasps most of the rules, but still requires some help and has a hard time focusing.  He also tends to run out of interest partway through the game.
Ben:  Oh, so, so, so painful.  Because how else would it be playing a card game with a 2-year-old?

Now that Ben is older and hyperaware of any situation in which he might possibly be left out, he demands to play as well.  My solution has been to deal him his cards and let him play them during his turn.  This way he gets to "play" and to "win" every time.

So, today Jason, ever the teacher, was teaching Ben how to play the game the real way with his brothers.  And when Ben didn't "win", he had a complete meltdown.

Poor baby.  I couldn't blame him.  It also highlighted the lack of my parenting skills.  Instead of actually teaching this child to play the game and perhaps the more important lessons of how to win and lose and take turns, I was giving him a false sense of ability just to make my life easier.

Way to go, me!

Family Grapevine

I think that pretty much every family has a grapevine.  For example, your entire family seems to be aware of something that happened to you even though you are pretty sure you only told one person.  Maybe even in confidence.  These grapevines can be used for both good and evil.  At times embarrassing information you would rather keep private seems to be fodder for open discussion among 20+ people related to you by birth or marriage.  At other times you are spared the necessity of contacting 20+ people individually to share happy or sad news.

It is thanks to this rather circuitous communication method that I was spared a potentially painful encounter this last Monday.  It went a little something like this:  My cousin's wife Stephanie has Celiac's Disease, too.  She went to IHOP and ordered a seemingly innocuous omelette (it's just eggs, cheese and meat, right?).  She became ill and then discovered that there is flour added to the eggs in IHOP's omelettes.  This story was related to my uncle who told my father who mentioned it to my brother.  Thus it was mid-morning this past Monday as I was salivating over my Colorado (I love you, CO!) omelette which I had ordered because it didn't have any potentially dangerous cheese sauces (and because I love CO!) and after informing the waitress that I cannot, CANNOT, CANNOT eat wheat that my brother said to me, "You know that has wheat in it, right?"

WHAT?

Yeah, apparently IHOP adds flour to the eggs in their omelettes to make them more fluffy.  Or in my case, deadly.

Okay, not really deadly.  Just excruciatingly painful.

They also apparently don't also have the best trained staff as the lady either didn't know or didn't remember and for sure didn't check after I told her my issue.

Note to self:  Only the bacon is 100% safe at a place that makes most of its money from making pancakes.

Note to family grapevine:  You all totally saved the day!  Thanks to all, especially Doug!

The Score

Items Shoved Up Nose
Josh:  0
Michael:  0
Ben:  1 (raisin)

Items Shoved In Ear
Josh:  0
Michael:  0
Ben:  1 (googly eye)

Mommy Heart Attacks
Irene:  2

Virgin Warrior

Jason and I are considering something a bit way out of the norm for us.  We are considering doing a race this Fall.  Not just any race.  This race.  Check it out.  It has activities called "Tarzan Swing" and "The Gauntlet" and "Mud Bath" interspersed with some actual running.  We have even convinced a family member or two to join us.  (insert Mr. Burns-esque cackle and finger tapping here)

We chose this race over some others because
1. It is in November
2. It is relatively close by
3. It is in November

Did I mention it is in November?  I can only hope and pray that the meteorological atrocity that we call summer here in Virginia will have come to a blessedly cooler end by then.

I know, I know.  But I can dare to dream, can't I?

So, if you know Jason and I even remotely well, you are probably aware that this is not the sort of physical activity that we are used to doing.  You'd be right.  Consequently, we have started to work-out to train for this race.  Not so much to finish quickly; just to finish.

Not being race people, I looked online to find a training schedule to follow.  This website has some training schedules and breaks them down by physical ability: Virgin Warrior, Casual Warrior and Rachel, I mean, Ultimate Warrior.  All one has to do is ascertain what kind of warrior one is and then follow the 12 week training schedule.  I am most definitely a Virgin Warrior, because I feel like this description from the website pretty much describes me:

You are the Virgin Warrior - you own a set of dumbbells, but they are currently being used as doorstops and paperweights. You’d like to be more active, but thinking about it makes you tired and your TV schedule just won’t allow it. The only thing getting you through this 3 mile obstacle course, Is the thought of a cold beer and turkey leg waiting for you at the finish line. You don’t want to win the Warrior Dash - you just want to finish.

Well, except that bit about the beer.

Things I Have Said This Last Week

"No, you cannot bring your lightsaber to Harper's Ferry, because people aren't allowed to bring weapons in the National Parks."

"The pocket on the front of your underwear is NOT for toys."

"You have to be 90 years old to ride a motorcycle.  Not even Opa is old enough to ride a motorcycle."

"Ben, take the lightsaber out of your diaper."

"Michael, you milk a cow's teats, not its penis."

"The Force is not real."